Gay Gothic: How Four People Met, Had a Baby, and Became Good Friends

This article discusses the new 'baby boom' in the lesbian community--artificial insemination. Some lesbian mothers are emphatic about not wanting a father in the picture. But those who want the sperm donor to be involved or co-parent are likely to choose a man who is also gay (although the AIDS epidemic has tragically reduced the pool of risk-free candidates). The resulting Gay Gothic tableau-gay mom and pop "forming a family," just like the Brady Bunch-flies in the face of the right-wing stereotype that gays "recruit" children since they "can't reproduce."

The two most interesting questions asked--

1-whether they want the child to grow up gay. In fact, the parents don't usually care.

2-whether they worry about discrimination towards the child because their parents are gay. One mother says their may be limitations on where they should reside, and she knows many people don't accept them. "But we're all at the point where we know who we are and what our values are-that's just not an issue. For instance, I don't really care whether the pediatrician approves of my relationship. "

Sperm Donor Fights for His Rights as a Father in U.S. Supreme Court

This case explores uncharted legal territory where there have been inconsistent rulings on the rights and obligations of sperm donors. Daryl Hendrix donated sperm to Samantha Harrington, who conceived twins. He appealed a district court decision denying co-parenting rights based on an oral agreement with Ms. Harrington. The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that a sperm donor must have a written agreement with the mother in order to exercise parental rights. That decision annihilated Hendrix's inherent rights as a father and treads dangerously on redefining fatherhood. His attorneys have appealed to the United States Supreme Court. This appeal will be a landmark case that will determine the future of reproductive technology, alternative child conception, and advancement of fathers' rights. "Mr. Hendrix's case deserves to be heard in our nation's highest court and their decision can guide the future of reproductive technology," says his attorney.

Fatherhood for Gay Men

This book mentions the minimal initial co-parenting costs (providing the mother has health insurance.) Raising the child obviously has costs, and this arrangement should be spelled out with a co-parenting contract before the baby is born. There are different levels of involvement-- from a 'close uncle' role to a 50% level in child-raising duties. It also mentions a scary prospect--a biological father saddled with child support without custody rights. Of course, these issues are defined by state law.

Coparenting Support/Discussion group of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center

I am glad to give a shout-out to Jen at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. They have a co-parenting group also, so if in the area check them out.

'Doting Dads' in Australia

This article focuses on GAY DADS AUSTRALIA, a national group celebrating fatherhood through online forums, gatherings and resource exchange. Several methods are discussed--

1. Surrogacy
2. Known Donor
3. Co-parenting
4. Adoption.

They've found the biggest issue for a gay man (or couple) in co-parenting with a lesbian couple can be planning and maintaining a reasonable arrangement--visits, care, etc. Due to high divorce rates, australian children may have four heterosexual parents through divorce and remarriage. Children of gay parents often have similarly large families--two parents and their partners. The logistics in both cases is daunting.

Knowndonor.com

This site provides two sample sperm donor contracts for non-anonymous donation. The first is a two-party agreement between a donor and recipient and the second is a three-party agreement that also recognizes the role of a recipient's partner. The agreements covers donor rights such as social interaction with the child, donor's contact information, financial and legal responsibilities, etc.

Dyke Moms, Donor Dads, and Reconceiving the Queer Family: An Anthology

This Spring 2009 anthology to be published by Toronto’s Insomniac Press will explore, through personal essays and first-person accounts, the phenomenon of lesbians who choose a male friend rather than an anonymous sperm donor to father their children.

You’re an out dyke about town. You meet a woman, shack up and get a cat. You later decide it’s time to expand beyond into parenthood. You ask your friend Tony to donate. A few months, some syringes, a bit of awkwardness and baby will make three. Or more. Because Tony (who, oddly, didn’t just disappear after conception) has family wanting a relationship with the child. Questions arise:

*What happens when the donor becomes emotionally involved? Can his parents visit? How to cope with an unexpected extended family?
*What happens to the non-biological mother when a biological 'Dad' stays in the picture? Non-biological mothers in lesbian relationships have long had belonging and recognition issues in a society slow to recognize them as parents.
*'Daddy' doesn’t mean what it used to! How does becoming a donor affect gay male friends and their identities?

*What does it mean for a gay man when his partner is the father but the baby isn’t yours?

*What if the birth changes everything? The donor who didn’t want to be overly involved is smitten with 'his' child. The new moms must find a way to negotiate the demands of a relationship they didn’t realize they were entering.
*Gay divorce: What happens to the donor if the moms split up? What happens when the relationship between moms and donor deteriorates?
These are some of the questions to be discussed in this anthology.

making babies the gay way

According to this report from British channel 4, there are a four main ways that gay men and women can have children:
adoption, co-parenting arrangements, donor insemination and surrogacy.

One plus of a co-parenting agreement is that the child will have two, or possibly more, adults caring for him or her. But there are several issues that make co-parenting difficult. The most obvious problem is that as a co-parent, you will not have sole custody of your child. Alison Bedor from the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parenting Group highlighted another problem, saying: 'Most women who contact us are looking for donors, not co-parents, but most men want an active involvement.'
Even when co-parents are found, entering a situation where your child already has two homes before he or she is born could be difficult for all concerned. There are details to be worked out and agreed, such as each parent's role and their degree of involvement. If there are two couples involved, rather than individuals, it could be even trickier, legally and socially.

Do women want to co-parent?

Is co-parenting with a gay man something women want? Maybe. It’s probably not their first choice. Women usually want to be married (both straight and gay.) Most are in the 38-44 age range. Understandably, they feel their ‘biological clock ticking.’ But the whole process is so…strange. We call it ‘dating.’ And it mostly works like dating (except for the sex part.) Grab a coffee or dinner. See a movie. Maybe just a walk. Talk on the phone. In that time, questions form: Can you picture a relationship with this person for the rest of your life? Are they a reliable financial partner? What about their temperment? Do you share values? How can these decisions be made in several months, lacking the intimacy of a sexual relationship? And what if you don’t have the luxury of time (when in your 40’s)? Well, I haven’t found an answer. I don't think there is one.
There are no rules—it’s relatively uncharted territory. These arrangements are more popular in european gay communities. Yet it seem odd that NYC doesn’t have a higher profile in this area.
We’ve had an interesting mix of visitors to our Center group. Two gay men with a straight woman that one met at work. Lesbian couples. A gay man and straight woman who discussed children at a party. They usually attend one meeting to gather information. They listen intently and quietly, mostly interested in hearing other stories. I’d love to know how these pairings worked out.

The Fertility Sourcebook

This book by M. Sara Rosenthal mentions co-parenting as a 'popular route.' It mentions 'mixers' arranged by gay organizations in their gay/lesbian communities. These meetings are arranged through gay magazines, friends and personal ads. It also mentions different scenarios for lesbians--
1-approaching gay men to discuss which partner will be inseminated in a co-parenting arrangement. Then the other lesbian partner and the father adopt the child or
2-requesting a sperm donation for artificial insemination.