Gay & Lesbian Co-Parenting in Los Angeles

Co-parenting is more advanced in L.A. There's even a new meetup discussion group to explore this innovative family structure. If I wasn't across the country i'd join a meeting!

My big fat gay Jewish family

This article tells the story of Caryn, who is co-parenting and met her baby daddy at a Synagogue in San Francisco. The biggest question -- 'Does the child get confused about who her parents are?' Caryn's response -- "Think of a divorced family in two houses, except in our case, there's no acrimony, just lots and lots of love." She continues - 'Unlike divorced families, we intentionally created this family structure, without any legal recognition, and without any of the rupture and pain that often accompanies divorce. Clearly, we need to find better and more illuminating explanations. But perhaps it would be better if we gay folks simply stopped relying on straight analogies altogether to describe our families.'

prideangel.com

A new British website call Pride Angel helps you either donate sperm or eggs or find a co-parent.
Their unique site allows you to create your own profile, search members and communicate safely using their on-site mail. Plus membership is free.

Gay-straight co-parenting?

Yahoo answers addresses co-parenting:

Question 1: Does it matter if a child is raised by 1 or 2 parents?
Excellent children can be raised by a single parent. Children can be raised poorly by 2 parents. Your question however is: "Does it matter?" The answer is: It matters in at least two primary ways: a) Raising a child with only one main caregiver and/or financial provider will likely be a distinctly different experience for both the parent and child and b) WHO raises the child is inherent in the decision to have only one or two parents.

Question 2: Does it matter if the parents are gay or straight?
The sexual orientation of a person should not be a major determinative factor in considering whether someone would be a good co-parent. And whatever "orientation" or "gender" education that me and my co-parent did not have, we could work hard to expose and educate our children about. So, I don't think "having a man and a woman" is necessary, even if that gender diversity would provide many benefits.

Question 3: I'm a single, straight woman considering having a child with a gay, male friend . . . Has anyone else created this kind of alternative family? How has it worked? . . . where can I get more information?
Parenting and relationships inherently involve laws and rights. If you are going to have children in a non-marital relationship, make certain you know all there is to know about the federal and (your) state's laws on:- Common law marriage- Gay unions- Parental rights to children born out of wedlock- Property dissolution in the event of separation- Child custody statutory and case law. You are heading into indefinite and fluctuating legal areas. Put all your intents regarding the following into writing, signed, dated, by all parties and some disinterested witnesses:- Custody if you stay together (Shared? How? With what legal rights & documentation), - Custody if you should part wih the co-parent (Expect child support? May not be for you to determine, but discuss anyway)- Property devisements (Will the partner or child get your wealth if you die? Vice versa?)- Parenting in the event of your death (Who do you want to have custody if you die?) Like with a pre-nuptual agreement, articulate the best answers you have to the tough questions that may arise when conflicts begin.

2 Mums and a Dad

I discovered this Australian film which documents the lives of Kellie and Fiona, two thirtysomething lesbians who ask their gay friend Darren to donate sperm. He agrees. They consult with attorneys, draw up a contract outlining how they intend to co-parent and move forward. Tempers flare and hostility erupts, raising questions about the emotional fortitude of this situation and particularly whether a baby is a strong enough force to bind everyone together in this co-parenting situation. They enter uncharted legal and emotional territory, since they are not legally a 'family.' Darren fights to see his son--a nightmare.

According to director Miranda Wills 'the idea for the film came from increasing mainstream interest in gay and lesbian families via newspaper articles and TV news. Gay and lesbian parenting arrangements can be extraordinarily complicated, especially without social and legal safety nets afforded more conventional families. I wanted to make a film that would investigate the issues, raise awareness and spark debate.'
Note that with a complicated patchwork of U.S. laws, the U.S. is anything but united in what defines a family.

'Directed Sperm' Donations

The two types of sperm donations are:
1-anonymous;
2-directed.

Co-parenting cases deal with a 'directed donor' (known donor.) This is also often the case for husbands freezing sperm before undergoing chemotherapy, uncles donating for their nephews, etc. Known donors must undergo the same screening and testing as anonymous donors. These include HIV, syphilis, hepatitis, certain hereditary tests (ie-tay-sachs) and this must be done through a FDA approved commercial sperm bank. Results of screening or testing that would exclude an anonymous donor also should exclude a directed donor. All directed-donor specimens will be quarantined (sperm samples frozen) for at least 6 months (180 days), with the donor then retested for STI’s as described above and if the donor still tests negative, the specimen is released in the same manner required for anonymous-donor specimens per FDA regulations.

Should we two mommies tell our child who the sperm donor was?

In Salon's 'Since You Asked' advice column is a letter from a lesbian whose partner will carry their first child. Should they use an anonymous or known donor? She notes: 'we will happily own all the responsibility... but a nagging voice keeps asking whether it's more beneficial for the child to know its father -- especially if it's a boy. What might our child miss out on by not having a dad? My partner is afraid that if we invite a known donor into our child's life, we run the risk of parental interference, or confusing the child, or even a possible custody battle. It happens. But I'm afraid that my child will always wonder who his or her "real" dad was.'
The response: Leaning towards disclosure. That makes the child in as many ways as possible a part of a family and community. And if you were the child, would you want to know that you came from an anonymous sperm donor? That doesn't necessarily mean parental involvement from the father or a co-parenting arranagement however. But it could be a mixture of that.
Bottom line? There are no rules, but there will be a man who is this child's genetic father. To make that man's identity a mystery doesn't make sense.

Gay Gothic: How Four People Met, Had a Baby, and Became Good Friends

This article discusses the new 'baby boom' in the lesbian community--artificial insemination. Some lesbian mothers are emphatic about not wanting a father in the picture. But those who want the sperm donor to be involved or co-parent are likely to choose a man who is also gay (although the AIDS epidemic has tragically reduced the pool of risk-free candidates). The resulting Gay Gothic tableau-gay mom and pop "forming a family," just like the Brady Bunch-flies in the face of the right-wing stereotype that gays "recruit" children since they "can't reproduce."

The two most interesting questions asked--

1-whether they want the child to grow up gay. In fact, the parents don't usually care.

2-whether they worry about discrimination towards the child because their parents are gay. One mother says their may be limitations on where they should reside, and she knows many people don't accept them. "But we're all at the point where we know who we are and what our values are-that's just not an issue. For instance, I don't really care whether the pediatrician approves of my relationship. "

Sperm Donor Fights for His Rights as a Father in U.S. Supreme Court

This case explores uncharted legal territory where there have been inconsistent rulings on the rights and obligations of sperm donors. Daryl Hendrix donated sperm to Samantha Harrington, who conceived twins. He appealed a district court decision denying co-parenting rights based on an oral agreement with Ms. Harrington. The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that a sperm donor must have a written agreement with the mother in order to exercise parental rights. That decision annihilated Hendrix's inherent rights as a father and treads dangerously on redefining fatherhood. His attorneys have appealed to the United States Supreme Court. This appeal will be a landmark case that will determine the future of reproductive technology, alternative child conception, and advancement of fathers' rights. "Mr. Hendrix's case deserves to be heard in our nation's highest court and their decision can guide the future of reproductive technology," says his attorney.

Fatherhood for Gay Men

This book mentions the minimal initial co-parenting costs (providing the mother has health insurance.) Raising the child obviously has costs, and this arrangement should be spelled out with a co-parenting contract before the baby is born. There are different levels of involvement-- from a 'close uncle' role to a 50% level in child-raising duties. It also mentions a scary prospect--a biological father saddled with child support without custody rights. Of course, these issues are defined by state law.

Coparenting Support/Discussion group of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center

I am glad to give a shout-out to Jen at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. They have a co-parenting group also, so if in the area check them out.

'Doting Dads' in Australia

This article focuses on GAY DADS AUSTRALIA, a national group celebrating fatherhood through online forums, gatherings and resource exchange. Several methods are discussed--

1. Surrogacy
2. Known Donor
3. Co-parenting
4. Adoption.

They've found the biggest issue for a gay man (or couple) in co-parenting with a lesbian couple can be planning and maintaining a reasonable arrangement--visits, care, etc. Due to high divorce rates, australian children may have four heterosexual parents through divorce and remarriage. Children of gay parents often have similarly large families--two parents and their partners. The logistics in both cases is daunting.

Knowndonor.com

This site provides two sample sperm donor contracts for non-anonymous donation. The first is a two-party agreement between a donor and recipient and the second is a three-party agreement that also recognizes the role of a recipient's partner. The agreements covers donor rights such as social interaction with the child, donor's contact information, financial and legal responsibilities, etc.

Dyke Moms, Donor Dads, and Reconceiving the Queer Family: An Anthology

This Spring 2009 anthology to be published by Toronto’s Insomniac Press will explore, through personal essays and first-person accounts, the phenomenon of lesbians who choose a male friend rather than an anonymous sperm donor to father their children.

You’re an out dyke about town. You meet a woman, shack up and get a cat. You later decide it’s time to expand beyond into parenthood. You ask your friend Tony to donate. A few months, some syringes, a bit of awkwardness and baby will make three. Or more. Because Tony (who, oddly, didn’t just disappear after conception) has family wanting a relationship with the child. Questions arise:

*What happens when the donor becomes emotionally involved? Can his parents visit? How to cope with an unexpected extended family?
*What happens to the non-biological mother when a biological 'Dad' stays in the picture? Non-biological mothers in lesbian relationships have long had belonging and recognition issues in a society slow to recognize them as parents.
*'Daddy' doesn’t mean what it used to! How does becoming a donor affect gay male friends and their identities?

*What does it mean for a gay man when his partner is the father but the baby isn’t yours?

*What if the birth changes everything? The donor who didn’t want to be overly involved is smitten with 'his' child. The new moms must find a way to negotiate the demands of a relationship they didn’t realize they were entering.
*Gay divorce: What happens to the donor if the moms split up? What happens when the relationship between moms and donor deteriorates?
These are some of the questions to be discussed in this anthology.

making babies the gay way

According to this report from British channel 4, there are a four main ways that gay men and women can have children:
adoption, co-parenting arrangements, donor insemination and surrogacy.

One plus of a co-parenting agreement is that the child will have two, or possibly more, adults caring for him or her. But there are several issues that make co-parenting difficult. The most obvious problem is that as a co-parent, you will not have sole custody of your child. Alison Bedor from the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parenting Group highlighted another problem, saying: 'Most women who contact us are looking for donors, not co-parents, but most men want an active involvement.'
Even when co-parents are found, entering a situation where your child already has two homes before he or she is born could be difficult for all concerned. There are details to be worked out and agreed, such as each parent's role and their degree of involvement. If there are two couples involved, rather than individuals, it could be even trickier, legally and socially.

Do women want to co-parent?

Is co-parenting with a gay man something women want? Maybe. It’s probably not their first choice. Women usually want to be married (both straight and gay.) Most are in the 38-44 age range. Understandably, they feel their ‘biological clock ticking.’ But the whole process is so…strange. We call it ‘dating.’ And it mostly works like dating (except for the sex part.) Grab a coffee or dinner. See a movie. Maybe just a walk. Talk on the phone. In that time, questions form: Can you picture a relationship with this person for the rest of your life? Are they a reliable financial partner? What about their temperment? Do you share values? How can these decisions be made in several months, lacking the intimacy of a sexual relationship? And what if you don’t have the luxury of time (when in your 40’s)? Well, I haven’t found an answer. I don't think there is one.
There are no rules—it’s relatively uncharted territory. These arrangements are more popular in european gay communities. Yet it seem odd that NYC doesn’t have a higher profile in this area.
We’ve had an interesting mix of visitors to our Center group. Two gay men with a straight woman that one met at work. Lesbian couples. A gay man and straight woman who discussed children at a party. They usually attend one meeting to gather information. They listen intently and quietly, mostly interested in hearing other stories. I’d love to know how these pairings worked out.

The Fertility Sourcebook

This book by M. Sara Rosenthal mentions co-parenting as a 'popular route.' It mentions 'mixers' arranged by gay organizations in their gay/lesbian communities. These meetings are arranged through gay magazines, friends and personal ads. It also mentions different scenarios for lesbians--
1-approaching gay men to discuss which partner will be inseminated in a co-parenting arrangement. Then the other lesbian partner and the father adopt the child or
2-requesting a sperm donation for artificial insemination.

A Successful Sperm & Egg Mixer!

Thanks to all who attended our Sperm & Egg Mixer. We had five speakers, who are all co-parenting. One lesbian couple and a gay man, one gay man and lesbian, and a man with three children by two different women! There was a meet & greet after with refreshments served. The mood was upbeat and the speakers somehow made this all sound idyllic, so they were subject to some skeptics during the Q&A session. But they held their ground and said the arrangements mostly work. What's required is a lot of trust and leap of faith. And much patience.

Some phone numbers were exchanged. We'll see in a year whether any babies arose from this!

co-parent-match.com

"More and more people are looking to parent a child but due to circumstance are unable to go about it the conventional way. Co-Parent-Match.Com aims to help you find your perfect co-parenting match. Whether this be as a donor only role or as an active co-parent; Co-Parent-Match.Com is perfect for males and females, gay or straight, singled or couples who are searching for a donor or co-parent."

Unfortunately, this website does not do matches in the United States at the current time.

Gay Parent magazine

Gay Parent magazine is a newsprint magazine featuring personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parents from across the country and around the world. Parents speak candidly about adoption, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children in their part of the world. The magazine focuses on LGBT families in the NY tri-state (NY, NJ and CT) area. It provides resources on gay-friendly private schools, day and overnight camps and family vacation ideas. Resources also include family building such as reproductive technology, adoption and foster care agencies. Book reviews, news, activities, and events pertaining to LGBT parents and their children are also features.
I've seen occasional co-parenting articles in Gay Parent magazine and recommend it to those considering their options.