A Successful Sperm & Egg Mixer!

Thanks to all who attended our Sperm & Egg Mixer. We had five speakers, who are all co-parenting. One lesbian couple and a gay man, one gay man and lesbian, and a man with three children by two different women! There was a meet & greet after with refreshments served. The mood was upbeat and the speakers somehow made this all sound idyllic, so they were subject to some skeptics during the Q&A session. But they held their ground and said the arrangements mostly work. What's required is a lot of trust and leap of faith. And much patience.

Some phone numbers were exchanged. We'll see in a year whether any babies arose from this!

co-parent-match.com

"More and more people are looking to parent a child but due to circumstance are unable to go about it the conventional way. Co-Parent-Match.Com aims to help you find your perfect co-parenting match. Whether this be as a donor only role or as an active co-parent; Co-Parent-Match.Com is perfect for males and females, gay or straight, singled or couples who are searching for a donor or co-parent."

Unfortunately, this website does not do matches in the United States at the current time.

Gay Parent magazine

Gay Parent magazine is a newsprint magazine featuring personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parents from across the country and around the world. Parents speak candidly about adoption, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children in their part of the world. The magazine focuses on LGBT families in the NY tri-state (NY, NJ and CT) area. It provides resources on gay-friendly private schools, day and overnight camps and family vacation ideas. Resources also include family building such as reproductive technology, adoption and foster care agencies. Book reviews, news, activities, and events pertaining to LGBT parents and their children are also features.
I've seen occasional co-parenting articles in Gay Parent magazine and recommend it to those considering their options.

The Sperm and Egg Mixer! *CHANGED TO 3/11/09*

Parenting Partnerships is excited about our first 2009 event called the SPERM and EGG MIXER!

Center Families staff has arranged for this on 3/11/09 from 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm. It will be a community forum 'where the joys, challenges and complexities of co-parenting will be shared by those who know best-gay dads and lesbian moms who are parenting cooperatively. Come discover just how creative, innovative and brave LGBT can be when it comes to exploring the possibilities of new kinds of family structures.' There will be guest speakers (co-parenting families) and hopefully some advocates--attorneys, etc.

We're excited, and hope for a huge turn-out.

Sperm and Egg Mixer - NEW DATE - 3/11/09

Due to unforseen circumstances, Parenting Partnership's SPERM & EGG MIXER has been moved to 3/11/09 from 6:30 - 8:00 pm. We hope to see you all there!

Note: The Center should update their site shortly.

Gay and Lesbian Pregnancy Options

This babymed.com article discusses gay and lesbian pregnancy 0ptions--

The Surrogate
This option is utilized by gay and lesbian couples who wish not to carry their own child. The surrogate is impregnated with in-vitro fertilization with the sperm coming from a donor that is either a friend or a sperm bank. It's important to remember the legal ramifications. The surrogate agrees to carry the child and give it up for adoption to the “parents” after childbirth. There have been times when the birth mother chooses to keep the baby after birth and a legal battle ensues.

Donor Sperm
In a lesbian relationship, donor sperm can be used to impregnate one or both parents. The use of in-vitro fertilization will often be used with the one of the lesbian couple being the biological parent of the baby.

Co-Parenting
Co-parenting occurs when a gay and lesbian couple raise a child together. One or both of the lesbians are impregnated with the sperm of the gay male parent. After birth, the couples choose to raise the child together as one family. The impregnation may occur through sexual intercourse or in-vitro fertilization.

Adoption
While there are several cases where gay and lesbian couples have successfully adopted children, the red tape and legal paths are stringent at best. The gay community often face the prejudices of those involved in the adoption process when trying to adopt a child.

FDA Sperm Donation Rule Excluding Gay Men

The American Fertility Association (AFA) disagrees with the 2005 Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) sperm donation guidelines. These guidelines could be interpreted to prohibit men who have had sex with men in the last five years from making anonymous sperm donations. The FDA says a donor's sexual orientation serves as the basis for anonymous sperm donation, rather than engagement in high-risk sexual behavior (unprotected sex). This rule suggests that a heterosexual man having unprotected sex with multiple partners is eligble to donate sperm while a gay man practicing safe-sex in a monogamous relationship will not. "Fertility clinics across the United States already ensure that donated sperm is safe, regardless of the sexual orientation of the donor," stated Pamela Madsen, Executive Director of The American Fertility Association, the largest, national patient advocacy organization for fertility-related issues. "This FDA rule does not enhance the safety of sperm donations in any scientifically-meaningful way. It also singles out gay men as a disease group and perpetuates dangerous myths about their bodies as the locus of disease. "Fertility clinics in the United States already test a sperm donor at the time of his initial donation, freeze the sperm for a six-month quarantine, and then test the donor again to confirm no new sign of infectious diseases." The FDA's focus ought to be ensuring that all sperm donations, regardless of the donor's sexual orientation, are properly screened and tested," says the AFA. Ironically, the FDA's restriction on gay men's ability to donate sperm comes at a time when more gay men and women are choosing to start families.
The AFA reaches out to this growing community by providing alternative family-building information on surrogacy, egg and sperm donation and legal referrals. "This rule inhibits rather than encourage donors to speak openly and honestly about their sexual activity and relevant high-risk sexual behavior," adds the AFA. Visit the AFA at http://www.theafa.org or call 888-917-3777 for more information.

Gay Men Choosing to be Fathers--Part II

Two options are mentioned for male couples wishing to father a child:

1) arrange with a woman to be the surrogate and pay all medical expenses. The mother relinquishes involvement with the child after birth.

2) co-parent with a single woman or lesbian couple, one of whom is the biological mother to their child.

The second arrangement is complicated both emotionally and logistically. It can benefit from counseling to help navigate the complexities. But despite the problems of negotiating co-parenting from different households, many families have created loving co-parenting arrangements which provide a child with the richness of several devoted and responsible parents. Extensive pre-insemination discussions should occur in addition to a written contract that explicitly spells out the specifics pertaining to medical expenses and access to the child after birth.

An example--

Ron and Josh live in Philadelphia and were together five years when they discussed becoming parents. Two friends, Sally and Judy approached them. The couples met monthly for a year to discuss joint parenting issues including the specific contractual arrangements. Before attempting to inseminate Judy they reached impasses several times . However, they felt that either mediation or counseling would be too complicated and eventually resolved their differences--specifying access to the child and ongoing shared financial responsibilities.
Ron donated sperm and their daughter Sarah was born. She lives with her mothers full time. The men travel to Boston monthly and spend a weekend with Sarah. It took Sarah about six months to become comfortable with her fathers and now talks to both on the phone regularly, calling Ron "Pappa" and Josh "Daddy". Though Josh is not the biological parent, the agreement drawn up by the two couples guarantees access to Sarah and also defines co-parenting responsibilities.

Result-
Sarah has four loving parents, two of whom she lives with and the other two who take an active but long distance parenting role. Ron and Josh consider themselves the non-primary care-giving parents. As Ron puts it- "in terms of parenting responsibilities and child care our arrangement is almost identical to a family where the parents have separated or divorced and yet both have regular contact with the children."

A happy ending.

Gay Men Choosing to be Fathers-Part I

This article discusses gay men's feelings about fatherhood. They're often frustrated that the traditional privileges of biological parenthood in American society are denied because they're openly gay (it also notes that many gay fathers are closeted.) Gay men wanting to be parents differ from straight men in several ways. It's common for gay men to be unclear as to how to reconcile their biological and emotional parenting needs with the reality of being gay. Straight men experience these needs as normal and an inevitable part of adulthood to be realized once they marry. Gay man may doubt the normalcy of these needs and don't see how to realize them.

Certain issues are unique for a gay male couple deciding to become fathers, not the least of which is the absence of a woman. Not having the biological capacity to carry a child creates challenges, the first of which is to locate and contract with a woman to become inseminated and carry a child.

Support from proudparenting.com

Many thanks to Jeff from proudparenting.com for placing Parenting Partnership's 2/11/09 Sperm and Egg mixer on their home page. I'm keeping him in my cyber-rolodex as a future resource!
Proudparenting.com is a 'Gay Parenting Network'. It mixes news (adoption, foster care, insemination, surrogacy) as well as community (profiles, blogs, e-mails).