Dyke Moms, Donor Dads, and Reconceiving the Queer Family: An Anthology

This Spring 2009 anthology to be published by Toronto’s Insomniac Press will explore, through personal essays and first-person accounts, the phenomenon of lesbians who choose a male friend rather than an anonymous sperm donor to father their children.

You’re an out dyke about town. You meet a woman, shack up and get a cat. You later decide it’s time to expand beyond into parenthood. You ask your friend Tony to donate. A few months, some syringes, a bit of awkwardness and baby will make three. Or more. Because Tony (who, oddly, didn’t just disappear after conception) has family wanting a relationship with the child. Questions arise:

*What happens when the donor becomes emotionally involved? Can his parents visit? How to cope with an unexpected extended family?
*What happens to the non-biological mother when a biological 'Dad' stays in the picture? Non-biological mothers in lesbian relationships have long had belonging and recognition issues in a society slow to recognize them as parents.
*'Daddy' doesn’t mean what it used to! How does becoming a donor affect gay male friends and their identities?

*What does it mean for a gay man when his partner is the father but the baby isn’t yours?

*What if the birth changes everything? The donor who didn’t want to be overly involved is smitten with 'his' child. The new moms must find a way to negotiate the demands of a relationship they didn’t realize they were entering.
*Gay divorce: What happens to the donor if the moms split up? What happens when the relationship between moms and donor deteriorates?
These are some of the questions to be discussed in this anthology.

making babies the gay way

According to this report from British channel 4, there are a four main ways that gay men and women can have children:
adoption, co-parenting arrangements, donor insemination and surrogacy.

One plus of a co-parenting agreement is that the child will have two, or possibly more, adults caring for him or her. But there are several issues that make co-parenting difficult. The most obvious problem is that as a co-parent, you will not have sole custody of your child. Alison Bedor from the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parenting Group highlighted another problem, saying: 'Most women who contact us are looking for donors, not co-parents, but most men want an active involvement.'
Even when co-parents are found, entering a situation where your child already has two homes before he or she is born could be difficult for all concerned. There are details to be worked out and agreed, such as each parent's role and their degree of involvement. If there are two couples involved, rather than individuals, it could be even trickier, legally and socially.

Do women want to co-parent?

Is co-parenting with a gay man something women want? Maybe. It’s probably not their first choice. Women usually want to be married (both straight and gay.) Most are in the 38-44 age range. Understandably, they feel their ‘biological clock ticking.’ But the whole process is so…strange. We call it ‘dating.’ And it mostly works like dating (except for the sex part.) Grab a coffee or dinner. See a movie. Maybe just a walk. Talk on the phone. In that time, questions form: Can you picture a relationship with this person for the rest of your life? Are they a reliable financial partner? What about their temperment? Do you share values? How can these decisions be made in several months, lacking the intimacy of a sexual relationship? And what if you don’t have the luxury of time (when in your 40’s)? Well, I haven’t found an answer. I don't think there is one.
There are no rules—it’s relatively uncharted territory. These arrangements are more popular in european gay communities. Yet it seem odd that NYC doesn’t have a higher profile in this area.
We’ve had an interesting mix of visitors to our Center group. Two gay men with a straight woman that one met at work. Lesbian couples. A gay man and straight woman who discussed children at a party. They usually attend one meeting to gather information. They listen intently and quietly, mostly interested in hearing other stories. I’d love to know how these pairings worked out.

The Fertility Sourcebook

This book by M. Sara Rosenthal mentions co-parenting as a 'popular route.' It mentions 'mixers' arranged by gay organizations in their gay/lesbian communities. These meetings are arranged through gay magazines, friends and personal ads. It also mentions different scenarios for lesbians--
1-approaching gay men to discuss which partner will be inseminated in a co-parenting arrangement. Then the other lesbian partner and the father adopt the child or
2-requesting a sperm donation for artificial insemination.

A Successful Sperm & Egg Mixer!

Thanks to all who attended our Sperm & Egg Mixer. We had five speakers, who are all co-parenting. One lesbian couple and a gay man, one gay man and lesbian, and a man with three children by two different women! There was a meet & greet after with refreshments served. The mood was upbeat and the speakers somehow made this all sound idyllic, so they were subject to some skeptics during the Q&A session. But they held their ground and said the arrangements mostly work. What's required is a lot of trust and leap of faith. And much patience.

Some phone numbers were exchanged. We'll see in a year whether any babies arose from this!

co-parent-match.com

"More and more people are looking to parent a child but due to circumstance are unable to go about it the conventional way. Co-Parent-Match.Com aims to help you find your perfect co-parenting match. Whether this be as a donor only role or as an active co-parent; Co-Parent-Match.Com is perfect for males and females, gay or straight, singled or couples who are searching for a donor or co-parent."

Unfortunately, this website does not do matches in the United States at the current time.

Gay Parent magazine

Gay Parent magazine is a newsprint magazine featuring personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parents from across the country and around the world. Parents speak candidly about adoption, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children in their part of the world. The magazine focuses on LGBT families in the NY tri-state (NY, NJ and CT) area. It provides resources on gay-friendly private schools, day and overnight camps and family vacation ideas. Resources also include family building such as reproductive technology, adoption and foster care agencies. Book reviews, news, activities, and events pertaining to LGBT parents and their children are also features.
I've seen occasional co-parenting articles in Gay Parent magazine and recommend it to those considering their options.

The Sperm and Egg Mixer! *CHANGED TO 3/11/09*

Parenting Partnerships is excited about our first 2009 event called the SPERM and EGG MIXER!

Center Families staff has arranged for this on 3/11/09 from 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm. It will be a community forum 'where the joys, challenges and complexities of co-parenting will be shared by those who know best-gay dads and lesbian moms who are parenting cooperatively. Come discover just how creative, innovative and brave LGBT can be when it comes to exploring the possibilities of new kinds of family structures.' There will be guest speakers (co-parenting families) and hopefully some advocates--attorneys, etc.

We're excited, and hope for a huge turn-out.

Sperm and Egg Mixer - NEW DATE - 3/11/09

Due to unforseen circumstances, Parenting Partnership's SPERM & EGG MIXER has been moved to 3/11/09 from 6:30 - 8:00 pm. We hope to see you all there!

Note: The Center should update their site shortly.

Gay and Lesbian Pregnancy Options

This babymed.com article discusses gay and lesbian pregnancy 0ptions--

The Surrogate
This option is utilized by gay and lesbian couples who wish not to carry their own child. The surrogate is impregnated with in-vitro fertilization with the sperm coming from a donor that is either a friend or a sperm bank. It's important to remember the legal ramifications. The surrogate agrees to carry the child and give it up for adoption to the “parents” after childbirth. There have been times when the birth mother chooses to keep the baby after birth and a legal battle ensues.

Donor Sperm
In a lesbian relationship, donor sperm can be used to impregnate one or both parents. The use of in-vitro fertilization will often be used with the one of the lesbian couple being the biological parent of the baby.

Co-Parenting
Co-parenting occurs when a gay and lesbian couple raise a child together. One or both of the lesbians are impregnated with the sperm of the gay male parent. After birth, the couples choose to raise the child together as one family. The impregnation may occur through sexual intercourse or in-vitro fertilization.

Adoption
While there are several cases where gay and lesbian couples have successfully adopted children, the red tape and legal paths are stringent at best. The gay community often face the prejudices of those involved in the adoption process when trying to adopt a child.