My big fat gay Jewish family

This article tells the story of Caryn, who is co-parenting and met her baby daddy at a Synagogue in San Francisco. The biggest question -- 'Does the child get confused about who her parents are?' Caryn's response -- "Think of a divorced family in two houses, except in our case, there's no acrimony, just lots and lots of love." She continues - 'Unlike divorced families, we intentionally created this family structure, without any legal recognition, and without any of the rupture and pain that often accompanies divorce. Clearly, we need to find better and more illuminating explanations. But perhaps it would be better if we gay folks simply stopped relying on straight analogies altogether to describe our families.'

Coparenting Support/Discussion group of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center

I am glad to give a shout-out to Jen at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. They have a co-parenting group also, so if in the area check them out.

Sperm Donor Fights for His Rights as a Father in U.S. Supreme Court

This case explores uncharted legal territory where there have been inconsistent rulings on the rights and obligations of sperm donors. Daryl Hendrix donated sperm to Samantha Harrington, who conceived twins. He appealed a district court decision denying co-parenting rights based on an oral agreement with Ms. Harrington. The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that a sperm donor must have a written agreement with the mother in order to exercise parental rights. That decision annihilated Hendrix's inherent rights as a father and treads dangerously on redefining fatherhood. His attorneys have appealed to the United States Supreme Court. This appeal will be a landmark case that will determine the future of reproductive technology, alternative child conception, and advancement of fathers' rights. "Mr. Hendrix's case deserves to be heard in our nation's highest court and their decision can guide the future of reproductive technology," says his attorney.

Gay Gothic: How Four People Met, Had a Baby, and Became Good Friends

This article discusses the new 'baby boom' in the lesbian community--artificial insemination. Some lesbian mothers are emphatic about not wanting a father in the picture. But those who want the sperm donor to be involved or co-parent are likely to choose a man who is also gay (although the AIDS epidemic has tragically reduced the pool of risk-free candidates). The resulting Gay Gothic tableau-gay mom and pop "forming a family," just like the Brady Bunch-flies in the face of the right-wing stereotype that gays "recruit" children since they "can't reproduce."

The two most interesting questions asked--

1-whether they want the child to grow up gay. In fact, the parents don't usually care.

2-whether they worry about discrimination towards the child because their parents are gay. One mother says their may be limitations on where they should reside, and she knows many people don't accept them. "But we're all at the point where we know who we are and what our values are-that's just not an issue. For instance, I don't really care whether the pediatrician approves of my relationship. "

Fatherhood for Gay Men

This book mentions the minimal initial co-parenting costs (providing the mother has health insurance.) Raising the child obviously has costs, and this arrangement should be spelled out with a co-parenting contract before the baby is born. There are different levels of involvement-- from a 'close uncle' role to a 50% level in child-raising duties. It also mentions a scary prospect--a biological father saddled with child support without custody rights. Of course, these issues are defined by state law.

Should we two mommies tell our child who the sperm donor was?

In Salon's 'Since You Asked' advice column is a letter from a lesbian whose partner will carry their first child. Should they use an anonymous or known donor? She notes: 'we will happily own all the responsibility... but a nagging voice keeps asking whether it's more beneficial for the child to know its father -- especially if it's a boy. What might our child miss out on by not having a dad? My partner is afraid that if we invite a known donor into our child's life, we run the risk of parental interference, or confusing the child, or even a possible custody battle. It happens. But I'm afraid that my child will always wonder who his or her "real" dad was.'
The response: Leaning towards disclosure. That makes the child in as many ways as possible a part of a family and community. And if you were the child, would you want to know that you came from an anonymous sperm donor? That doesn't necessarily mean parental involvement from the father or a co-parenting arranagement however. But it could be a mixture of that.
Bottom line? There are no rules, but there will be a man who is this child's genetic father. To make that man's identity a mystery doesn't make sense.

'Doting Dads' in Australia

This article focuses on GAY DADS AUSTRALIA, a national group celebrating fatherhood through online forums, gatherings and resource exchange. Several methods are discussed--

1. Surrogacy
2. Known Donor
3. Co-parenting
4. Adoption.

They've found the biggest issue for a gay man (or couple) in co-parenting with a lesbian couple can be planning and maintaining a reasonable arrangement--visits, care, etc. Due to high divorce rates, australian children may have four heterosexual parents through divorce and remarriage. Children of gay parents often have similarly large families--two parents and their partners. The logistics in both cases is daunting.

Knowndonor.com

This site provides two sample sperm donor contracts for non-anonymous donation. The first is a two-party agreement between a donor and recipient and the second is a three-party agreement that also recognizes the role of a recipient's partner. The agreements covers donor rights such as social interaction with the child, donor's contact information, financial and legal responsibilities, etc.

'Directed Sperm' Donations

The two types of sperm donations are:
1-anonymous;
2-directed.

Co-parenting cases deal with a 'directed donor' (known donor.) This is also often the case for husbands freezing sperm before undergoing chemotherapy, uncles donating for their nephews, etc. Known donors must undergo the same screening and testing as anonymous donors. These include HIV, syphilis, hepatitis, certain hereditary tests (ie-tay-sachs) and this must be done through a FDA approved commercial sperm bank. Results of screening or testing that would exclude an anonymous donor also should exclude a directed donor. All directed-donor specimens will be quarantined (sperm samples frozen) for at least 6 months (180 days), with the donor then retested for STI’s as described above and if the donor still tests negative, the specimen is released in the same manner required for anonymous-donor specimens per FDA regulations.

Dyke Moms, Donor Dads, and Reconceiving the Queer Family: An Anthology

This Spring 2009 anthology to be published by Toronto’s Insomniac Press will explore, through personal essays and first-person accounts, the phenomenon of lesbians who choose a male friend rather than an anonymous sperm donor to father their children.

You’re an out dyke about town. You meet a woman, shack up and get a cat. You later decide it’s time to expand beyond into parenthood. You ask your friend Tony to donate. A few months, some syringes, a bit of awkwardness and baby will make three. Or more. Because Tony (who, oddly, didn’t just disappear after conception) has family wanting a relationship with the child. Questions arise:

*What happens when the donor becomes emotionally involved? Can his parents visit? How to cope with an unexpected extended family?
*What happens to the non-biological mother when a biological 'Dad' stays in the picture? Non-biological mothers in lesbian relationships have long had belonging and recognition issues in a society slow to recognize them as parents.
*'Daddy' doesn’t mean what it used to! How does becoming a donor affect gay male friends and their identities?

*What does it mean for a gay man when his partner is the father but the baby isn’t yours?

*What if the birth changes everything? The donor who didn’t want to be overly involved is smitten with 'his' child. The new moms must find a way to negotiate the demands of a relationship they didn’t realize they were entering.
*Gay divorce: What happens to the donor if the moms split up? What happens when the relationship between moms and donor deteriorates?
These are some of the questions to be discussed in this anthology.