Should we two mommies tell our child who the sperm donor was?

In Salon's 'Since You Asked' advice column is a letter from a lesbian whose partner will carry their first child. Should they use an anonymous or known donor? She notes: 'we will happily own all the responsibility... but a nagging voice keeps asking whether it's more beneficial for the child to know its father -- especially if it's a boy. What might our child miss out on by not having a dad? My partner is afraid that if we invite a known donor into our child's life, we run the risk of parental interference, or confusing the child, or even a possible custody battle. It happens. But I'm afraid that my child will always wonder who his or her "real" dad was.'
The response: Leaning towards disclosure. That makes the child in as many ways as possible a part of a family and community. And if you were the child, would you want to know that you came from an anonymous sperm donor? That doesn't necessarily mean parental involvement from the father or a co-parenting arranagement however. But it could be a mixture of that.
Bottom line? There are no rules, but there will be a man who is this child's genetic father. To make that man's identity a mystery doesn't make sense.

Gay Gothic: How Four People Met, Had a Baby, and Became Good Friends

This article discusses the new 'baby boom' in the lesbian community--artificial insemination. Some lesbian mothers are emphatic about not wanting a father in the picture. But those who want the sperm donor to be involved or co-parent are likely to choose a man who is also gay (although the AIDS epidemic has tragically reduced the pool of risk-free candidates). The resulting Gay Gothic tableau-gay mom and pop "forming a family," just like the Brady Bunch-flies in the face of the right-wing stereotype that gays "recruit" children since they "can't reproduce."

The two most interesting questions asked--

1-whether they want the child to grow up gay. In fact, the parents don't usually care.

2-whether they worry about discrimination towards the child because their parents are gay. One mother says their may be limitations on where they should reside, and she knows many people don't accept them. "But we're all at the point where we know who we are and what our values are-that's just not an issue. For instance, I don't really care whether the pediatrician approves of my relationship. "

Sperm Donor Fights for His Rights as a Father in U.S. Supreme Court

This case explores uncharted legal territory where there have been inconsistent rulings on the rights and obligations of sperm donors. Daryl Hendrix donated sperm to Samantha Harrington, who conceived twins. He appealed a district court decision denying co-parenting rights based on an oral agreement with Ms. Harrington. The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that a sperm donor must have a written agreement with the mother in order to exercise parental rights. That decision annihilated Hendrix's inherent rights as a father and treads dangerously on redefining fatherhood. His attorneys have appealed to the United States Supreme Court. This appeal will be a landmark case that will determine the future of reproductive technology, alternative child conception, and advancement of fathers' rights. "Mr. Hendrix's case deserves to be heard in our nation's highest court and their decision can guide the future of reproductive technology," says his attorney.

Fatherhood for Gay Men

This book mentions the minimal initial co-parenting costs (providing the mother has health insurance.) Raising the child obviously has costs, and this arrangement should be spelled out with a co-parenting contract before the baby is born. There are different levels of involvement-- from a 'close uncle' role to a 50% level in child-raising duties. It also mentions a scary prospect--a biological father saddled with child support without custody rights. Of course, these issues are defined by state law.

Coparenting Support/Discussion group of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center

I am glad to give a shout-out to Jen at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. They have a co-parenting group also, so if in the area check them out.